08.09.07
Guest Review: Bourne Supremacy spoiler recap for pre-Bourne Ultimatum viewing
Jason Bourne: Aside from these headaches, living in India with Run Lola Run is pretty sweet. I may be the only rich white dude for 100 miles but it’s not like it’s possible for any normal human to rob me.
Sketchy Russians: Lets send some dude to kill Bourne, maybe he won’t be suspicious of a white guy in a nice car following him around. Also we’ll totally pwn the CIA and frame Bourne for said pwnage.
Mrs. Bourne: Jason, I’m tired of being horribly sexually satisfied by you because on occasion we have to run from spies and shit, lets not run and instea- [shot in head]
Jason Bourne: I totally told you to leave me alone, now you are all fucked.
CIA: Look, Bourne was dumb enough to just show his passport in a damn Italian airport, surely this isn’t some sort of trap he’s laid for us.
Various CIA debriefings: Treadstone was some crazy program to make super assassins, Bourne was the top dude, they all had some mental problems, but his amnesia and subsequent desire to kill rather than be killed has made him kind of a pain in the ass.
Julia Stiles: Bourne doesn’t do anything dumb or random, so he’s resurfaced just to kill all of us.
Bourne: Did I mention I can beat up other super-spies with copies of US Weekly?
CIA chick: We need to find Bourne. Oh wait, he’s on the phone… and also can see us… I just shat myself.
[Bourne uses his awesomeness to meet up with Julia Stiles, she fills him in on what they know, he fills them in on what he knows.]
Bad guy from X2: I refuse to believe that Bourne was framed. Turns out that’s because I’m responsible for framing Bourne as shown by me stabbing the dude that tried to explain to me how it was done.
Bourne: This internet thing is useful, looks like I killed some Neski dude in a hotel in Berlin and framed his wife, whom I also killed.
Berlin Hotel front desk guy: We just got a fax saying to call the cops if we see that guy that just checked in.
Other hotel guy: See, I told you that wasn’t Matt Damon.
Polize: Achtung!
Bourne: All bow before my mastery of public transit as I use it to creatively evade you! Ow, my ankle, it’s almost like I’m human.
CIA: Why would he come to this hotel? If only there were a world wide web of information that we could crawl somehow.
Bad guy from X2: Hey, sketchy russian, they’re on to us, you gotta kill Bourne.
Sketchy russian: Fuck off mate.
Bourne: Hey bad guy from X2, and I’m gonna tape you confessing to the Neski murder, but it would make my dead lady-friend sad if I killed you. Here’s a gun so you can do that yourself, but wait for that CIA chick to get here first, it will totally freak her out I bet.
Sketchy Russian: Hey assassin dude, you fucked up and Bourne is alive, better get on that asap.
Assassin: Maybe a bullet from a 44 automatic will kill Bourne… nope.
Bourne: This bullet wound makes it almost hard to beat up russian cops and steal a cab just using some stolen vodka… well, not really. I am a really good one-armed driver, I hope I don’t get pulled over with vodka on my breath.
Assassin guy: Oh shit, how is he so good at driving with one arm! It’s only fair that he’ll run me into a damn poll and murder my ass.
Russian Police: Time to arrest the sketchy Russian, presumably someone told us what they did.
Bourne: In case all you ladies aren’t wet enough, I’m a totally nice guy and I’m going to confess my crimes to the Neski couple’s daughter.
Bourne: CIA chick, you better fuck off.
CIA chick: I can tell you about your past, come on in, maybe I’ll blow you.
Bourne: No way, you’re kinda old looking, btw, I’m watching you again…