FilmFemme

Here’s how IMDb summarizes this movie:

A woman faces deadly consequences for abandoning her loving relationship with her boyfriend to pursue exciting sexual scenarios with a mysterious celebrity mountaineer.

OHHHHHH. So that’s what this movie was about? In all honesty, I didn’t pay too much attention to this movie while it was on, but man was it confusing and bad. Here is how I would summarize this movie:

Heather Graham wears ugly clothes, has ugly husband, bad sex. On the street in London (where she lives for some reason) she meets Joseph Fiennes. They have some crazy wild sex. She leaves her husband (maybe they weren’t even married) and has some hot London alley sex with Joseph Fiennes(a la Jack the Ripper). She starts wearing clothes that are ugly in a completely different way. Then a lot of creepy music plays. Like, basically in every single scene. Something nefarious is happening and his sexy sister (that woman that’s on Californication now) is clearly to blame. Oh whoops, you’re not supposed to know that until the end. But it’s pretty obvious. I guess like she is in love with her brother (because he’s Joseph Fiennes) and like killed his ex-wife or something. Then I think maybe she kills him at the end. Oh, no, he kills her? I don’t remember.

Seriously, this movie was like as bad if not worse than most Lifetime movies I have seen. There’s this one part where Joseph Fiennes wants to explain what it’s like at the top of a tall mountain (he’s like a celebrity mountain climber. Can you name another mountain climber? Sir Edmund Hillary?) anyway, so he grabs a fish out of his fish tank and holds it in his hand and says something like “This is what it is like. No air.” Um. Couldn’t he have just said that without torturing the fish?

This movie sucked so much ass. And not in an interesting way. There are a lot of crazy bondage sex scenes. They are kind of hot if you can forget (1) what a bad movie this is and (2) how both of the people involved have kind of busted faces.