Rails & Ties
I feel like it’s my duty to review Rails & Ties as soon as possible so that no one sees a poster or trailer and thinks to themselves “Oh, I bet that Clint Eastwood’s daughter can make a decent movie with Kevin Bacon and Marcia Gay Harden. Besides, she seemed so charming and talented in that L.A. Times puff piece that was obviously done because someone lost a bet to her dad.” I should have noticed the most telling part of the profile wherein Clint Eastwood divorces himself from any responsibility for the movie, saying: ”The only thing I’m responsible for is the siring.” Let’s hope so, Clint, because this movie was awful.
Kevin Bacon is really hot and drives a train (conducts? runs?). He’s married to Marcia Gay Harden who is not at all hot and is dying of cancer (these two characteristics may or may not be related). Some crazy woman (who used to be a prostitute maybe? and is dying of AIDS maybe?) drives her car onto the train tracks with her kid in it just as Kevin’s train is baring down on the intersection. Kevin tries to stop, but, nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! He hits the car and kills the mom. Unfortunately, the kid escapes, so we are subjected to a lot more movie after this.
Through a series of coincidences and serious invasions of privacy, the kid ends up staying with Kevin and Marcia and they all bond and work through issues or whatever. And everybody loves trains! (No, the title isn’t even a metaphor at all). There are also a social worker and a black guy that wants to be an accountant and some old guys that work on the train as well as a vaguely Latina nurse that’s friends with Marcia & Kevin.
Not only was this seriously the worst written thing I have seen in a way long time (I just watched a Power Rangers movie that wasn’t worse than this…) it was also really horribly directed, edited and acted. Should I give props to the little kid for holding his own against Kevin Bacon and an Oscar winner? I don’t know. He was OK I guess. It’s hard to look past a script this bad AND really hackneyed and obvious (like, no concept of what looks good and interesting at all) shots. This is a real exchange from Micky “my only other writing credit is something called 2 On U that I also starred in and does not appear to be a porno” Levy’s brilliant script:
Marcia Gay Harden ordered a piano because she’s dying and has always wanted to learn to play (of course!). A delivery guy shows up at the door. First of all, she forgot that she ordered a fucking piano. Then this:
Delivery Guy: Where do you want it?
Dying Marcia: Uh…(hesitates)…inside.
Delivery Guy: OK!
INSIDE????
[...] and I loved it. The train motif doesn’t even feel overpowering or stupid (unlike at least one recent train-based movie). The direction isn’t anything special, but it is seamless and not distracting. This [...]