12.19.07
The Rachel Papers
I really miss the days when it was totally acceptable for someone who looked like Dexter Fletcher (nice name!) to be the romantic lead opposite Ione Skye at the peak of her hotness. Actually, no, I don’t. But such was the world in 1989 and it was this world that brought us The Rachel Papers and what amounts to a lot of misogyny, not nearly enough Jonathan Pryce, a few jokes and Ione Skye’s tits (nice rack!).
In 80s teen movie fashion, British guy Charles (Fletcher) lives in London, has a computer and wants to get laid. He meets Rachel (Skye) and decides he MUST have her. So he employs all sorts of tricks, including keeping info on her in a database (creep!), and finally wins her over. Then they have tons and tons of sex. Then they decide that she should come to stay at the house that he shares with his sister and her crazy husband (Pryce!). But, despite the really unnecessary amounts of fucking, he gets sick of her. Read that again. HE gets sick of HER. After all the time he spent (dirty) spreadsheeting her and wooing her away from James Spader (Oh, did I not mention that? I thought ‘1989′ implied that James Spader was involved in some nefarious way), he gets sick of her because she’s always horny and expects him not to fuck other girls. GO FIGURE. So he cheats on her. And she finds out because she comes over to fuck his brains out and is like “Oh, get a condom” and he says he’s out and she says “No, you’re not, I just saw them this morning” and THEN HE TRIES TO FUCK HER WITH A USED CONDOM. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.
She dumps him. She moves to New York. They go to a museum a while later (as friends) where she wears a hideous pantsuit and, I guess he learned his lesson?
I know I learned mine: Don’t ever be hornier than the guy you’re fucking. Because he’ll cheat on you.
Wait, what?