Horsemen
Last night I had this really amazingly gory gruesome dream where I had this summer job working for some rich eccentric guy. Me and like 5 of my facebook friends were all working for him, only there wasn’t really any work instead he just put together these puzzles and challenges kind of like on Survivor or something. But he was paying us a ton of money so it was like, whatever, I’ll solve this weird Indian food puzzle. But then at the end of the summer when we were supposed to get paid, he just started killing everyone instead. When everyone was dead except for me and one guy (I think it might have been The Situation from Jersey Shore, but I can’t be certain), he was going to take out my brain with one of those circular blades like they use to open up peoples’ chests in the ER but then The Situation had a huge shotgun and protected me and totally murdered him. But we never got our money, which sucks.
I’m pretty sure that I had this terrifying but kind of bitchin’ dream because last night I watched the Dennis Quaid direct-to-DVD horror/thriller Horsemen.
Though the movie is decidedly lame with lots of stupid scenes that borrow heavily from good movies (spoiler alert, Ziyi Zhang does not make a very good Hannibal Lecter), it was notable for how horrifyingly gruesome it was. Honestly, I can’t understand why the movie never made it to theatres because I thought people loved that shit. I’m not usually squeamish (Hostel? Oh please. Ho hum) but this was seriously stomach churning.
What Horsemen does is take one somewhat obscure and really icky subculture, suspension, wrestle it from the hands of people for whom body piercing is not “extreme” enough and probably didn’t get enough attention as teenagers (including Criss Angel) and turn it into some really creepy scary gory death scenes. Like, really gross. Apparently nightmare-inducing gross. Really, these scenes are the only notable thing about the movie. The dialogue is weak, the story is predictable apart from the twist which is somewhat interesting but does not at all make up for the rest of the movie that is a gaping [edit: there is supposed to be another word here but I can't remember what it was supposed to be...I am not a very good proofreader] occasionally punctuated by vomit.
But wasn’t my dream so fucked up?!