Movie Reviews, etc.
Me every time I see a billboard or bus poster for Wanted:
“Is this a poster for a movie? It looks like it wants to be a movie … but clearly isn’t. Maybe it’s an urban-crime miniseries on the CW, or the very-special Smallville two-part season finale, or … a breakfast cereal?
So, I saw two movies in the row where Liv Tyler ends up in a plaid shirt, struggling to move while she’s face down on the ground. That’s kind of odd.
I liked The Strangers. I hated The Incredible Hulk. So I still don’t know how I feel about Liv Tyler on the ground.
I didn’t see Ang Lee’s last attempt at bringing this big green guy to the big silver screen, but I like Edward Norton, the aforementioned Ms. Tyler, William Hurt and Tim Roth, so I thought, “How could I go wrong with The Incredible Hulk? It must be at least half as entertaining as Iron Man.” Wrong again, FilmFemme, wrong again.
Indiana Jones: action! adventure! charm! thrills! cheesy piece of crap!
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull opens with a CGI prairie dog. I’m not 100% sure that the rodent is CGI, but it might as well be. I guess it’s a little bit cute, but it’s mostly like: 
Are you kidding me?
And believe it or not, it’s all downhill from there.
Plenty of ado has been made of Harrison Ford’s advanced age (65), but I think it might be Steven Spielberg that needs to be checked for senility. Because I can’t understand how or why this movie was made and how or why it was so bad. Ford is actually a bright spot, in all his creakiness (he looks great for 65, by the way) — but nearly ever other element is weak. Shia LaBeouf? More like Shia LaDork. How is this mop top doofus supposed to be Indy’s offspring? Karen Allen is passable returning as Marion, but the tête-à-tête that she and Indy engage in is tired and forced.
Even Cate Blanchett’s perfectly tuned icy communism can’t fill in plot holes and wild tangents that are fiercely irritating.
The crystal skull that they seek and carry with them for the duration of the movie looks like something you would buy at the Sharper Image if you were somehow forced to spend money at the Sharper Image.
The only parts that worked for me were the really repellent bug scenes that made me squirm and the occasional quip from Indy that made me smile. Otherwise, this movie is an exercise in truly horrible filmmaking and was nothing but boring and lame.
It’s going to make a great ride, though.
Lights, Camera, Holy Shit Tons of Bright Colors Everywhere! It’s like a rainbow drank too many Jell-O Shots and Barfed!
Speed Racer is a fun time. Speed Racer is a little kid (Nicholas Elia, a child actor that really bears an uncanny resemblance to Emile Hirsch) who can’t concentrate on anything in school because all he can think about it RACING.
His older brother, Rex (Scott Porter – the hot but paralyzed quarterback from Friday Night Lights) sometimes takes him the the crazy futuristic race track and lets him drive even though he’s only like 8 or something. Then one day Rex dies and everyone is like, so sad.
What the hell is going on?
Does Daniel Craig wear contacts?
Why is that girl with the machine gun crying?
Fuck it, let’s go get drunk.
Before there was No Country for Old Men, there was All the Pretty Horses, another western-y movie based on a Cormac McCarthy novel (yeah, apparently I should have known who this dude was). Matt Damon and Elliott from E.T. live in Texas, only after Matty’s granddaddy dies, his deadbeat whore of a mom is going to sell the ranch, so he convinces Elliott to saddle up and ride their horses to Mexico where life is awesome. Along the way, they run into that kid from Sling Blade, who is completely awesome except for he’s real scared of lightning and ends up soaking wet and naked in a ditch. Then they have to steal his horse back (because it ran away while he was in the ditch), then the kid goes off by himself (aw, he was so cool!) and Matt and Elliott get a job busting broncos (this is the scene that kicks the most ass) for some Mexican Patron who has a hot daughter (Penelope Cruz). Of course, that crazy kid comes back to haunt them and then the movie takes a totally annoying turn when they end up in jail for like, 25 minutes (in the movie).
The movie wasn’t great to begin with. I got past MD’s accent, Elliott was pretty cute though he didn’t have much to do, and I could totally get behind the idea of Damon/Cruz sex. But when they went to jail it was just kind of like “WTF? Is this the same movie?” Sure, Billy Bob Thornton is no Coen brother, but, this should have been better.
Will Smith is ripped.
Dogs are awesome.
Chicks suck at surviving the apocalypse.
Beowulf in 3D cost like $3 more than Beowulf *not* in 3D. But it comes with glasses. In my opinion, there should be a lot more movies that come with accessories.
Besides that, I went into Beowulf with basically no expectations. Well, that’s kind of a lie because I basically expected it to suck. I was surprised because it really didn’t suck. It wasn’t great - it was okay and I wasn’t bored out of my mind and it was kind of interesting to look at - as much because of Angelina Jolie dripping in gold as because it was in 3D. I was a little distracted from the story (not very complex or anything) by trying to figure out who all the actors were (is that John Malkovich? It is!).
I was never assigned this book in high school (god knows I wouldn’t have read it anyway) but I have the gist of it now enough that I could probably answer a Jeopardy! question about it, and isn’t that what’s most important, after all?
UPDATE: Remember how I was smitten with Carina Chocano like 2 weeks ago for her sort of neo-feminist Hollywood commentary in the LA Times? Her ‘review’ of Southland Tales is so lame, I’m going to have to retract my statement. Not like she gives it a thumbs up or anything, but it’s just so unimpressive. Try and say something meaningful…or at least try to be funny.
Southland Tales is Richard Kelly’s follow up to the cult favorite Donnie Darko.
I spent all of the 3+hours of Southland Tales thinking one or all of the following:
a) Wait, what?
b) Why isn’t this over yet?
c) Mandy Moore is adorable!
d) The Rock should never wear shirt, ever.
e) Seriously, how is this not over?
There was a Q&A with Kelly following this screening. Boy is that guy dumb and untalented.