Indiana Jones: action! adventure! charm! thrills! cheesy piece of crap! Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull opens with a CGI prairie dog. I’m not 100% sure that the rodent is CGI, but it might as well be. I guess it’s a little bit cute, but it’s mostly like: Are you kidding me? [...]
Lights, Camera, Holy Shit Tons of Bright Colors Everywhere! It’s like a rainbow drank too many Jell-O Shots and Barfed! Speed Racer is a fun time. Speed Racer is a little kid (Nicholas Elia, a child actor that really bears an uncanny resemblance to Emile Hirsch) who can’t concentrate on anything in school because all he can think about [...]
Iron Man? Two Words: Fucking Rad.
What the hell is going on? Does Daniel Craig wear contacts? Why is that girl with the machine gun crying? Fuck it, let’s go get drunk.
Before there was No Country for Old Men, there was All the Pretty Horses, another western-y movie based on a Cormac McCarthy novel (yeah, apparently I should have known who this dude was). Matt Damon and Elliott from E.T. live in Texas, only after Matty’s granddaddy dies, his deadbeat whore of a mom is going [...]
I Am Legend. Will Smith is ripped. Dogs are awesome. Chicks suck at surviving the apocalypse.
Beowulf in 3D cost like $3 more than Beowulf *not* in 3D. But it comes with glasses. In my opinion, there should be a lot more movies that come with accessories. Besides that, I went into Beowulf with basically no expectations. Well, that’s kind of a lie because I basically expected it to suck. I [...]
UPDATE: Remember how I was smitten with Carina Chocano like 2 weeks ago for her sort of neo-feminist Hollywood commentary in the LA Times? Her ‘review’ of Southland Tales is so lame, I’m going to have to retract my statement. Not like she gives it a thumbs up or anything, but it’s just so unimpressive. Try [...]
Rendition: Jake Gyllenhaal, Reese Witherspoon, Peter Sarsgaard, Meryl Streep. Ok, there are just too many double vowels in this movie, that must be why it was so boring. Dan in Real Life: Steve Carell, Juliette Binoche, Dianne Wiest, Alison Pill, Brittany Robertson. I think I’m on to something big here. This one is consonants because [...]
My favorite parts of The Matador were the intertitles. That’s not to say that it wasn’t a totally decent movie, but I just really liked the titles! They were just big block letters in bright colors over dim cityscapes that said MANILA or MEXICO CITY and I thought they were really hot. I like the [...]