• it’s been a long long time since I wrote anything for this blog
• no one reads this blog
• I don’t have a job
• I’ve never owned a pair of cowboy boots

But today of all days (Rex Manning Day? I don’t know) none of that matters.  Especially because of the epic review I’m about to write of the last two movies that I saw in theatres, both of which starred Ryan Gosling and neither of which I’ve had time to fantasize about whilst masturbating.  But I digress.

When I first saw the poster for Drive, it was in Manhattan and it was one of the posters with Carey Mulligan in it alone.  It caught my attention with it’s pink script and extreme closeup and I remarked that it looked like a poster for a Lifetime movie.  Of course, when I found out that Ryan Gosling was in it and it was, in fact, an actual movie I wanted to see it.  I didn’t really know anything about it except the stars and that “There’s no such thing as a clean get away.”  Okay.

Turns out Gosling is a mechanic and stunt driver who has these really cool driving gloves with holes over the knuckles and lives alone.  For extra cash and most likely for the thrill of it, he acts as a getaway driver for criminals.  One day he meets his neighbor, Carey Mulligan when she’s having car trouble and gives her a ride home and then, OMG, they’re in love.  Then, before they ever fuck, her husband (oops) gets out of jail and naturally all hell breaks loose, as it were and the whole thing moves from a kind of angsty movie about driving cars fast to a sticky, graphic, stylized bloodbath (but nary a nipple in sight, sigh).

Like, I know that it’s a cliché in movies, love at first sight, jumping, rushing in to an unexplained spiritual connection that transcends ‘dating’ and goes deeper than ‘sex.’  I get that that’s a thing.  BUT.  When you’ve got a character who time and again displays his lack of sympathy for fellow human beings, who revels in his solitary life and you’re going to give him a love interest (a mother, no less, as if) that he not only gives up all those things for, risks his life for, well you MIGHT want to give us a MOMENT where you explain what is so GODDAMN SPECIAL about this lady!  But no, she’s just pretty.  I mean, she’s definitely pretty.  But she works at Denny’s and just thinking about her makes me want to yawn.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Ryan Gosling as much as the next girl.  But I can’t help but feel that a lot of his acting talent is derived from his ability to widen and narrow his eyes.  That is, a lot this film consisted of him and Carey Mulligan staring at each other.   I don’t even really mind watching Ryan Gosling staring at things (ryangoslingstaringatthings.tumblr.com don’t take it my idea!) and the truth is that I enjoyed watching this movie, even the parts where people were having their brains splattered all over the inside of motel bathrooms.  But there really wasn’t much to it.

Still,

The Ides of March, on the other hand, has a political-thriller plot that certainly bills itself as “substance” and a dreary Cincinnati backdrop that wouldn’t be considered “style” and yet, it makes me angry just thinking about how bad this movie was/is/continues to be/will always be.  With a cast brimming with at least what Hollywood tells me is talent (Gosling, Clooney, PSH, Giamatti, Tomei, Evan Rachel Wood, the guy from Social Network with the eyebrows) you’d think that it would be difficult to fail!  And yet!  Every scene was hackneyed, boring, predictable, stupid.  Lacking any charm, humor, suspense, realism, meaningful characterizations, believable dialogue.  ALL OF THOSE THINGS WERE MISSING.

Here, let me recount to you my favorite scene.  It’s before Evan Rachel Wood and Ryan Gosling have sex.  They are having drinks at a bar, sitting across from each other with their faces very close to one another.  This is the dialogue (I’m only barely paraphrasing):

 

ERW: How old are you?

Ry: How old do you think I am?

ERW: Ummm [bites lip] 30?

Ry: You think I’m 30?!

ERW: Ooh, sorry.  How old are you?

Ry: I’m 30.  [pause] How old are you?

ERW: How old do you think I am?

Ry: 21.

ERW: I’m 20.

Ry: That’s young.

ERW: Too young to fuck a 30 year old?

 

Oh hey, that was PAINFUL.  Evan Rachel Wood wants to FUCK Ryan Gosling (I approve) and it’s not sexy in the least!  It’s retarded!  (also, get some bronzer, girl – I know you rock that peaches & cream look but shit you’re so pale!)

The ‘love’ stories in these two movies could be held up in some kind of film or directing or casting class as an example of chemistry (Ryan Gosling & Carey Mulligan stare at each other and it’s like, ooooh yeah) vs no chemistry (Ryan Gosling & Evan Rachel Wood fuck and it’s like, ho hum, yawn, is this movie over).

It was terrible.  So terrible.  Still,

Less Than Zero and Rules of Attraction

I’ m going to do my very best to keep these two movies from running together in my head because despite their differences they are both about (1)Rich attractive kids (2) who like sex (3) and drugs (4) and do both a lot.

In Less Than Zero, a young and pouty Robert Downey, Jr. plays Julian, a recent high school graduate and drug addict with a rich father.  His two best friends are Clay, an adorable Andrew McCarthy in pushed up sleeves and Blair (of course her name is Blair), a perpetually astonished Jami “can’t spare a square” Gertz.  Clay and Blair are dating right up until they graduate from their posh Los Angeles high school when Clay goes off to college and Blair stays behind to pursue her modeling career.  Of course, as soon as Clay crosses the city limits, Julian and Blair fall into bed together and it’s all fucked.

In Rules of Attraction, Jami Gertz’ wide-eyed insecurities are replaced with the slouching bohemian elegance of a pixie/punk Shannyn Sossamon who plays Lauren.  Lauren is student at Camden College, of many deciduous trees and picturesque snowfall — not to mention all the glory of liberal arts decadence and indulgence.  However, she is determined to stay pure, despite the urgings of her loose roommate Lara (Jessica Biel).  That is, until a fateful encounter in a hallway with Sean Bateman, a brooding and sinister looking James Van Der Beek.  Sean likes Lauren, too, but with one manipulative and untruthful word, Sean and Lara fall into bed together and it’s all fucked.

Do you see how I might get these two a little bit confused?

In Less Than Zero, director Marek Kanievska (you wouldn’t  recognize any of his other work if I put it in these parentheses) goes out of his way to indulge in the decadence  and pace of the 80s with over the top theme parties, towering hairsprayed bangs, and frenetic, amoral sexual encounters.  Though Roger Avary certainly appreciates the excess of Ellis’ novel in Rules of Attraction, he goes much further in creating an atmosphere and pace of tragic self-indulgence.  Though this works in some key scenes, I got particularly annoyed by the gimmick where the film ran backwards and then forwards again in order to make way for the multiple narrative lines.  It was interesting one, maybe two times, then I desperately just wanted the movie to move forward.  I felt the same way about the fact that the narrative was framed with the end at the beginning and then back to the beginning and then all the way through forward.  I will give credit that I was never confused by the jumping around, but that’s hardly an endorsement of the choice.  I also very much disliked the 5 minute interlude of a peripheral character’s trip to Europe in which he narrated quickly while we see him meet and hook up with many beautiful European women.  It comes back to be a little meaningful to the central story, but I didn’t like it.  It was weird.

Thematically, I struggle to grasp the same key point in both movies, which is: Um, why?  Namely, why is this person soooo into that other person?  In the case of Clay and Blair — Andrew McCarthy is at the peak of his charms.  This isn’t to say that he could do better than Jami Gertz…but maybe he could do better than Jami Gertz who fucked his drug addict best friend.  We’re never allowed any glimpses into why the relationship even existed.  Instead, Blair just kind of blinks at everything and speaks gently and then does another line of blow.

Similarly, we get to know why Lauren likes Sean (it’s because he made her “zhing” — an inexplicable chemistry that, I don’t know, it made sense to me) but never why Sean likes Lauren.  They barely speak and suddenly he is desperate to be with her.  Again, she is beautiful and she smiles at him and maybe we are meant to see this as an insight into his character (read: KIND OF CRAZY)  but it always bugs me, this love at first sight stuff.    Especially since the rest of his character is made out to not give a fuck about anyone else or anything for the rest of the movie.

Watching both of these films in a short time span was really interesting since their themes are so similar but they are from different eras and subject to different interpretations.  I wasn’t particularly taken with either one but neither were they wholly disappointing.  Both had their aesthetic charms and interesting if not Oscar-worthy performances.  It’s not shocking to see Robert Downey, Jr. give a good performance as a tortured drug addict…it’s slightly more compelling to watch Dawson as a sociopathic, suicidal drug dealer.  James Spader as a menacing kingpin trying to collect his money in Less Than Zero is again not surprising, but Jessica Biel as a coke whore is nothing if not interesting.

Where Less Than Zero exists firmly in this 1980s era, both in the world of the film and with casting choices, Rules of Attraction is much more open to interpretation.  Surely fashion seems to imply a place in the 90s but the characters and their portrayals are more timeless.  This is due in part to the fact that none of them have gone on to continued success like Downey and Spader have for the last 2 decades.  Therefore, watching the performances in Rules of Attraction is untainted by other roles and sustained fame.  Unfortunately, this doesn’t help the fact that some of the performances (ahem – Ms. Biel) are a little bit weak and distracting.  So we’re left to wonder – did they just do decadence better in the 80s, before grunge and disaffected teenagers were the norm?  When the kids in Rules of Attraction are doing blow and fucking, I kind of wonder why they weren’t just smoking pot and falling asleep.

Miracle at St. Anna

Black guys fight in WWII.  And have sex with white women.  And befriend a small Italian boy who may or may not be Jesus.

The Express

Black guys are good at football.  People from Texas are racist.  So are people from Syracuse, but not quite so much.

And sometimes really good football players get Leukemia and die before they get to play in the NFL.  It’s probably not because they are black, though.  Probably.

(1) Documentary about some guy who built some crazy instrument. Documentary consists of black and white digital interview that occasionally zooms in just on his eyes because that’s ‘artistic.’ Second half of documentary is silent footage of said guy while he plays his crazy instrument LIVE. Crazy instrument sounds like something Phillip Glass’ retarded child would make. Only worse.

(2) Silent Super 8 movie in which a woman hires a hitman to kill her husband’s mistress. It’s a good thing the (brilliant) director (of all 3 films) explained the plot before the screening! Thanks, guy!

(3) Silent 16mm movie in which a woman may or may not be the last person on earth. A skeleton follows her around. Then some people make out and drink martinis. Martinis are so cinematic. Also in black and white. And there is a band with a cello in it that plays LIVE.

I never thought that I would long for film school screenings. Mercifully all three films were under 10 minutes in length. After the last one, they tried to trick me into staying to watch the band jam (practice) by not having a pause. Fuck that.

Dear Patricia “Patty” Clarkson,

You are so beautiful and so talented and I really hope that

(1) You get to fucking star in something really soon.  Because you are totally awesome as a supporting actress, but I want someone to write something really spectacular (me, maybe?) FOR you.  Because you are awesome. and

(2) That I look half as great as you when I am 49.  3/4 as great?  No, half would be just fine.

Love,

FilmFemme

The reviews:

The Station Agent

Actor Thomas McCarthy, who you might recognize from HBO’S The Wire (uhhh…) or All the King’s Men (try again…), ok, um, Michael Clayton (he was just a voice in that, dude)…right, then, you probably wouldn’t recognize him but he made his feature debut as both a writer and director with 2003′s The Station Agent starring the most awesome dwarf actor since Danny Devito (sorry!) Peter Dinklage, our lady Dame Patricia Clarkson and hot & goofy Bobby Cannavale (oh, THAT’s who that is!)  And it’s a pretty fucking great movie.

Fin (Dinklage) is an antisocial dwarf who loves trains and is bequeathed an abandoned train station by one of his few friends in his will.  So he goes to live in the station and meets Joe (Cannavale) who runs the tacotruck (coffee truck, I guess) outside the station and Olivia who lives down the road.  Slowly but surely the trio form a tenuous friendship and a flirtation sneaks into the relationship between Fin and Olivia.

Yes, Dinklage is really great and I’m so glad that McCarthy found him for this part but it was Clarkson’s character that really got to me.  She is an artist who lives alone.  Her husband left her after their son died.  I know, dead kid is a pretty typical way to make a character kind of fucked up, but it was OK with me here.  The way that she so carefully navigates getting to know Fin, after she nearly runs him over with her car – twice – is so genuine and sweet.  Despite her misgivings about new people (she keeps her distance from the hot and flirtatious, but ultimately threatening Joe), she feels OK being vulnerable to Fin.  The same is true for Emily (Michelle Williams), a young local woman who is pregnant and scared but feels safe with Fin and confesses herself to him.  Where the humor and tension and brilliance lie here is that, while many people would love to convince strangers, especially women, to lay bare their secrets to them, Fin doesn’t want it at all!  He just wants to live in his station and be left alone.  But everyone in this story helps each other out with companionship or even just coffee every morning.  It’s so sweet and raw and I loved it.  The train motif doesn’t even feel overpowering or stupid (unlike at least one recent train-based movie).  The direction isn’t anything special, but it is seamless and not distracting.  This movie made me happy.

All The Real Girls 

P. Clark isn’t in this one too much, but when she is, she’s great.  She plays mother to Paul (Paul Schneider, about whom I made some snide commentslast month…), a generically southern and passingly charming 20something guy who has seduced every girl in his small hometown and spends most of his time either working at the local mill (ooh!  a mill!  original! [sorry, I do like this movie]) or hanging out with his other GEDtinted pseudoalcoholic oversexed guy friends until the lovely Noel (Zooey Deschanel), who happens to be his best friend Tip’s (Shea Whigham) sister, comes home from boarding school and he falls madly in love with her.  HOWEVER.  She is a virgin.

The two “embark on a meandering courtship” that involves a lot of hand holding, talking and at least one hot tub – but no sex.  They’re in love, they really are, but life gets in the way, you know? I don’t want to spoil it, though.

It’s really touching.  Schneider and Deschanel have an undeniable easy chemistry and Danny R. McBride (who should probably be termed upandcoming due to his roles in TWO new Judd-Apatow-is-involved-in-some-way projects, Drillbit Taylor and Pineapple Express) is truly funny as the sidekick, dumb friend with a mullet who goes by the exceedingly charming nickname Bust-Ass.  The DVD has a few extended scenes with him that are pretty hilarious, too.

But the love story is very real and very effective.  As Paul’s mom, Clarkson is really genuine – she fixes old pianos and dresses up like a clown to entertain sick kids in the hospital.  I didn’t care much about the dynamic between her and her husband, but it didn’t detract from anything.  The scenes between her and Paul are good and she really conveys this character that loves her son and isn’t jealous of his new love, but afraid for him.  More than anything, I think All the Real Girls is cathartic – I wasn’t left drowning in tears like with The Last Kiss or  craving anything more.  It’s very complete and solid and recommended.

Yes, we get it, your movie, your score, James McAvoy in a a suit and Keira Knightley in green satin are all very pretty.  Everyone is in love and/or dead and/or wracked with guilt and it’s all very tragic.

There Will Be Blood

Yes, we get it, Daniel Day-Lewis has three names and is a great actor – truly intimidating and calculating and cold and awesome.    Everyone is ambitious and/or crazy and/or doomed and it’s all very dramatic.

Paul Dano is a revelation, though.  I’m sad that his Academy nod didn’t come through , because I think it was deserved.  I feel like there is some discrimination against young men in the Oscars – because there’s always some young starlet or girl (Abigail Breslin?  Come on! This year it’s Atonement’s own Saorise Ronan [um, get a name that's easier to spell and then we'll talk]) that’s nominated, but never a young guy.  Too bad, Paul.  I think you’re great.

Directed by Greg Whiteley, New York Doll is a documentary about Arthur “Killer” Kane, one of the founding members and bassist for seminal punk band, the New York Dolls.  It seems that after the Dolls broke up, Kane was in a pretty bad state.  Hopelessly alcoholic and without any real direction, he went back and forth between New York and L.A. for a while, forming various bands and just trying to eke out a living.  Until one day he joined the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  He became a fucking Momon!  Isn’t that wild?

Anyway, during the course of this documentary, Kane gets a chance to reunite with the Dolls in a show that Morrissey is putting on in London.  The extent of the movie is basically just following him around while he works in the Momon library in L.A. and gets ready to go play a show for the first time in decades.  Then he goes and plays the show and makes amends with his old bandmates and it’s pretty fucking touching, actually.

The story of his rise & fall was interesting and the way that he is such an unassuming guy is almost mindblowing.  There are these 2 really hilarious old Mormon ladies that were like “Yeah, we had no idea Arthur was such a big deal!”  Then he dies like, weeks after getting back from the show.  It’s kind of sad, but because they had interviews with all these people that were like “All he ever talked about was getting the Dolls back together” the fact that he actually got to have that happen before he died is sort of awesome.

Technically speaking, the movie is kind of so-so, mostly beacuse it seems kind of Ex Post Facto – like the director heard about the Morrissey show and then tracked down Arthur and decided to make a documentary and just got lucky that he died at the end, so it seemed kind of epic and important.  I’m sure all the other interviews were shot after Arthur died.  There were some pretty cool animations though, but the whole thing could have been a little better.

The Devil and Daniel Johnston

In contrast, The Devil and Daniel Johnston was clearly a labor of love for director Jeff Feuerzeig who obviously spent years on it.  And it was totally worth it, because I thought it was great.

As I have previously mentioned, I was not a cool kid.  I’m not claiming to be a cool adult (especially not when it comes to music), but there is no way I would have heard of Daniel Johnston even though a lot of people have.  I just like documentaries. 

Apparently this guy was this totally brilliant underground singer/songwriter who also happened to be batshit crazy (seriously, majorly, unmedicatedly bipolar).  But he was also extremely driven to be a musician and made his way on to MTV and Kurt Cobain wore one of his t-shirts and people definitely knew about him.  But once he finally got a record deal, he went all paranoid crazy and wouldn’t sign the damn contract!

Anyway, I really enjoyed this movie because it introduced me to this guy who seriously, even though he really sucks at guitar writes these really awesome Bob Dylan-esque songs that are kind of great!  And it’s one of those Better Than Fiction stories.

I like princesses, big song productions and McDreamy as much as the next girl.  If not more.  But 2 hours?  Come on.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

What is the deal with Jason Lee?  I always think I like him.  But I’m pretty sure that he can’t act.  Like at all.  I’m sure it’s hard to act with like fake chipmunks and stuff  – but it can’t be harder than it is to act like you like Shannen Doherty. 

But David Cross was awesome.  Per usual.

Dan in Real Life: Steve Carell, Juliette Binoche, Dianne Wiest, Alison Pill, Brittany Robertson.  I think I’m on to something big here.  This one is consonants because it’s a comedy (I think).  I will say, when Dane Cook & Steve Carell sing to La Binoche, I got a little choked up, but it was a cheap shot.

Joy House: In English.  More Alain Delon.  Jane Fonda is crazy and super horny.  Some seriously funny parts. 

Jane Fonda to Alain Delon: I like you cause you’re poor!  I’m poor too!