Movie Reviews, etc.
Me every time I see a billboard or bus poster for Wanted:
“Is this a poster for a movie? It looks like it wants to be a movie … but clearly isn’t. Maybe it’s an urban-crime miniseries on the CW, or the very-special Smallville two-part season finale, or … a breakfast cereal?
…in a battle to see who makes me want to see this movie less.
That is an ad for the Sex and the City movie, as well as Skyy vodka. If you’re going to shoot for a new level of cross-marketing prostitution, at least choose a brand that’s not the well vodka at Hooters.
I’ll be in NYC tomorrow, paying bums to piss on these ads.
[Poster not shown because it makes me hate John C. Riley, which is a bad thing]
This movie kind of shocked me by being funny. Funny with a very on-the-nose, Airplane-esque silliness (Riley plays Cox at age 12 and up, which is handled by constantly mentioning his age (”But Dewey, you’re only 14!!!”)). Also, it’s worth the ticket price just to see pamfromtheoffice being funny and hot without just being Pam (finally), and showing a massive amount of cleavage in one scene.
I would see this with a packed house, as the tone works best when the crowd is just giddy with how stupid it all is. That is, unless you want some special back-row alone time with pamfromtheoffice’s ta-tas.
Casey Affleck… really? In a movie directed by Ben Affleck? (Notice they were smart enough to leave that off the poster…)
Isn’t this a bit like if Ron Howard cast Clint Howard as the lead in ‘A Beautiful Mind’? I mean, Clint looks more like John Nash than Russel “ya testicle!” Crowe does…
Hmm, also I think Ron Howard is probably a better director than Ben Affleck.
I like Christina Applegate, but judging by the promotional material I’ve seen for “Samantha Who?“, her next series might be called “Christina Who?”
(I dare the soup to not make this same joke.)
Violence against women is bad.
Take it from me, Jodie Foster. I’ve been beaten, raped and had jizz thrown on my face more times on film than any other woman in Hollywood.
In fact, violence against women is so bad that it’s worse than murder. Watch my empowering movie and you’ll be giving a Columbian Necktie to those cat-calling construction workers in no time…
Is that the preferred spelling?
This also makes me question ihop’s “Come hungry. Leave happy.” campaign…
Poster Review
Despite his obvious physical prowess and leadership skills, The Rock doesn’t look prepared to handle the responsibilities that a bulldog in a tiara can bring, much less the meanderings of that precocious little ballerina! He’s gonna need the help of every other football player with a speaking role, and probably some similarly cocoa-skinned love interest (not pictured) to get him through this ordeal!
We can only ponder what lessons he’ll learn along the way… that is until we all see The Game Plan on September 28th. Line up early if you want to make the midnight showing!
Armchair Marketing:
Jason Bourne: Aside from these headaches, living in India with Run Lola Run is pretty sweet. I may be the only rich white dude for 100 miles but it’s not like it’s possible for any normal human to rob me.
Sketchy Russians: Lets send some dude to kill Bourne, maybe he won’t be suspicious of a white guy in a nice car following him around. Also we’ll totally pwn the CIA and frame Bourne for said pwnage.
Mrs. Bourne: Jason, I’m tired of being horribly sexually satisfied by you because on occasion we have to run from spies and shit, lets not run and instea- [shot in head]
Jason Bourne: I totally told you to leave me alone, now you are all fucked.
Once a prime-time lens that hilariously magnified the cracks in our crumbling society, The Simpsons has kind of sucked balls for about as long as Tupac has been pretending to be dead. Hype said that writers from “the good years” were used for the movie, but I had still resolved not to attend unless it hit greater than 90% on rottentomatoes‘ cream of the crop (it didn’t).
Still, I somehow found myself scheduled to see the film’s midnight showing at the ArcLight’s Cinerama Dome in Hollywood. Unfortunately, the crew I rolled in with centered around an omega-list celebrity high on his recent (non)mention half-way down the user-submitted sightings page on defamer. He wasn’t so bad, but his entourage (literally) kept shouting “We’re with someone FAMOUS!!!!” to any fellow ArcLight patron that would listen. This farcically Los Angeles bullshit made me decide to abscond before I could be further disappointed by the actual film.
Thus my “The Simpsons Movie” experience was as follows:
We were seated.
Some ArcLight douche came out and performed his best improv of “Howard Dean introduces The Simpsons Movie with too much enthusiasm and ruins his career… BYAAAAH!”
The lights went down, I got up, took a piss, and left.
I give the ArcLight dude an F+, the ArcLight men’s room an A-, and Empire Records a B+ for being somewhat generation defining and fun, but a bit overrated.