“Man, that kid is SMART!”

Shooter

“I thought the dude was gonna die, but then he didn’t.”

Must Love Dogs

[insert sound of him leaving the room]

Me every time I see a billboard or bus poster for Wanted:

“Is this a poster for a movie? It looks like it wants to be a movie … but clearly isn’t. Maybe it’s an urban-crime miniseries on the CW, or the very-special Smallville two-part season finale, or … a breakfast cereal?

…in a battle to see who makes me want to see this movie less.

That is an ad for the Sex and the City movie, as well as Skyy vodka. If you’re going to shoot for a new level of cross-marketing prostitution, at least choose a brand that’s not the well vodka at Hooters.

I’ll be in NYC tomorrow, paying bums to piss on these ads.

This movie kind of shocked me by being funny. Funny with a very on-the-nose, Airplane-esque silliness (Riley plays Cox at age 12 and up, which is handled by constantly mentioning his age (”But Dewey, you’re only 14!!!”)). Also, it’s worth the ticket price just to see pamfromtheoffice being funny and hot without just being Pam (finally), and showing a massive amount of cleavage in one scene.

I would see this with a packed house, as the tone works best when the crowd is just giddy with how stupid it all is. That is, unless you want some special back-row alone time with pamfromtheoffice’s ta-tas.

Casey Affleck… really? In a movie directed by Ben Affleck? (Notice they were smart enough to leave that off the poster…)

Isn’t this a bit like if Ron Howard cast Clint Howard as the lead in ‘A Beautiful Mind’? I mean, Clint looks more like John Nash than Russel “ya testicle!” Crowe does…

Hmm, also I think Ron Howard is probably a better director than Ben Affleck.

(I dare the soup to not make this same joke.)

Violence against women is bad.

Take it from me, Jodie Foster. I’ve been beaten, raped and had jizz thrown on my face more times on film than any other woman in Hollywood.

In fact, violence against women is so bad that it’s worse than murder. Watch my empowering movie and you’ll be giving a Columbian Necktie to those cat-calling construction workers in no time…

Is that the preferred spelling?

This also makes me question ihop’s “Come hungry. Leave happy.” campaign…

Poster Review

Despite his obvious physical prowess and leadership skills, The Rock doesn’t look prepared to handle the responsibilities that a bulldog in a tiara can bring, much less the meanderings of that precocious little ballerina! He’s gonna need the help of every other football player with a speaking role, and probably some similarly cocoa-skinned love interest (not pictured) to get him through this ordeal!

We can only ponder what lessons he’ll learn along the way… that is until we all see The Game Plan on September 28th. Line up early if you want to make the midnight showing!

Armchair Marketing:

• Can we get that towel out of the way of The Rock’s crotch? Women 30-45 respond well to spandex-bound moose knuckle. If that won’t fly I guess they can live vicariously through the dog, which looks like it’s about to reach behind the towel.
• How many dog poop jokes do we have right now? Three? Can we add another one in post? You know, just do a close up of some foot-double stepping into a slipper full of shit, then cut to some outtake of The Rock looking crestfallen?
• What about more product placement in the poster? Under Armor paid a pretty penny to be placed right above The Rock’s schlong, think of how much Juicy Couture would pay to be emblazoned across that little girl’s ass! We can just photoshop a body double to make it look like she’s presenting rearward and looking over her shoulder temptingly.

Sketchy Russians: Lets send some dude to kill Bourne, maybe he won’t be suspicious of a white guy in a nice car following him around. Also we’ll totally pwn the CIA and frame Bourne for said pwnage.

Mrs. Bourne: Jason, I’m tired of being horribly sexually satisfied by you because on occasion we have to run from spies and shit, lets not run and instea- [shot in head]

Jason Bourne: I totally told you to leave me alone, now you are all fucked.

CIA: Look, Bourne was dumb enough to just show his passport in a damn Italian airport, surely this isn’t some sort of trap he’s laid for us.

Various CIA debriefings: Treadstone was some crazy program to make super assassins, Bourne was the top dude, they all had some mental problems, but his amnesia and subsequent desire to kill rather than be killed has made him kind of a pain in the ass.

Julia Stiles: Bourne doesn’t do anything dumb or random, so he’s resurfaced just to kill all of us.

Bourne: Did I mention I can beat up other super-spies with copies of US Weekly?

CIA chick: We need to find Bourne. Oh wait, he’s on the phone… and also can see us… I just shat myself.

[Bourne uses his awesomeness to meet up with Julia Stiles, she fills him in on what they know, he fills them in on what he knows.]

Bad guy from X2: I refuse to believe that Bourne was framed. Turns out that’s because I’m responsible for framing Bourne as shown by me stabbing the dude that tried to explain to me how it was done.

Bourne: This internet thing is useful, looks like I killed some Neski dude in a hotel in Berlin and framed his wife, whom I also killed.

Berlin Hotel front desk guy: We just got a fax saying to call the cops if we see that guy that just checked in.

Other hotel guy: See, I told you that wasn’t Matt Damon.

Polize: Achtung!

Bourne: All bow before my mastery of public transit as I use it to creatively evade you! Ow, my ankle, it’s almost like I’m human.

CIA: Why would he come to this hotel? If only there were a world wide web of information that we could crawl somehow.

Bad guy from X2: Hey, sketchy russian, they’re on to us, you gotta kill Bourne.

Sketchy russian: Fuck off mate.

Bourne: Hey bad guy from X2, and I’m gonna tape you confessing to the Neski murder, but it would make my dead lady-friend sad if I killed you. Here’s a gun so you can do that yourself, but wait for that CIA chick to get here first, it will totally freak her out I bet.

Sketchy Russian: Hey assassin dude, you fucked up and Bourne is alive, better get on that asap.

Assassin: Maybe a bullet from a 44 automatic will kill Bourne… nope.

Bourne: This bullet wound makes it almost hard to beat up russian cops and steal a cab just using some stolen vodka… well, not really. I am a really good one-armed driver, I hope I don’t get pulled over with vodka on my breath.

Assassin guy: Oh shit, how is he so good at driving with one arm! It’s only fair that he’ll run me into a damn poll and murder my ass.

Russian Police: Time to arrest the sketchy Russian, presumably someone told us what they did.

Bourne: In case all you ladies aren’t wet enough, I’m a totally nice guy and I’m going to confess my crimes to the Neski couple’s daughter.

Bourne: CIA chick, you better fuck off.

CIA chick: I can tell you about your past, come on in, maybe I’ll blow you.

Bourne: No way, you’re kinda old looking, btw, I’m watching you again…