They fall in love and he gives her  her first orgasm on a couch.

WTF?

Ok, but at the very least, surely this shockingly blunt,  poorly acted, practically humorless teenage rom/com had some lessons thrown in there somewhere.  Let’s have a look.

Lessons Learned

1. It is A-OK to get completely shitfaced in NYC, barf in the Port Authority bathroom, and make out with strangers.  As a matter of fact, it is completely necessary if you want your best friend to fall in love.
2. It is A-OK to just drive away while your slutty ex-girlfriend does a striptease for you by the East River, leaving her stranded.
3. It is unacceptable to not have had an orgasm by the age of 17 if you are a female.  Everyone will know about it and publicly (pubicly?) shame you.
4. It is really easy to get cameos from John Cho, Andy Samberg, Seth Myers, Devendra Banhart and Bishop Allen for your movie no matter how much it sucks.  Filmmakers take note.
5. “Finger bang” is the unanimously preferred parlance for what Michael Cera does to Kat Dennings at the end.
6. Teenagers today have no parents.

It’s funny, last year I probably saw more movies at the theatre than in any other year of my life.  For only the second time in my life (the first time being last year), I’ve see all of the Best Picture nominees well before the ceremony.  The result of all this?  I really truly do not care who wins Oscars.  Not at all.  Not in the least.  I plan to watch the show, and I’ll give you my opinions, but the fact that some of these trainwrecks masquerading as movies even got nominations boggles my mind  and…well, I plan on formulating or appropriating an Oscar night drinking game to drown my disappointment.  So, check out my picks after the jump.

The should wins are in bold, the will wins are italic, the winners are *d.  It’s only a “win” for me if the “will win” is right.

Performance by an actor in a leading role

• Richard Jenkins in “The Visitor”
• Frank Langella in “Frost/Nixon”
• *Sean Penn in “Milk”
• Brad Pitt in “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
• Mickey Rourke in “The Wrestler”

Performance by an actor in a supporting role

• Josh Brolin in “Milk” (Focus Features)
• Robert Downey Jr. in “Tropic Thunder”
• Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Doubt”
• *Heath Ledger in “The Dark Knight”
• Michael Shannon in “Revolutionary Road”

Performance by an actress in a leading role

• Anne Hathaway in “Rachel Getting Married”
• Angelina Jolie in “Changeling”
• Melissa Leo in “Frozen River”
• Meryl Streep in “Doubt”
• *Kate Winslet in “The Reader”

Performance by an actress in a supporting role

• Amy Adams in “Doubt”
• *Penélope Cruz in “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”
• Viola Davis in “Doubt”
• Taraji P. Henson in “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
• Marisa Tomei in “The Wrestler”

Best animated feature film of the year

• “Bolt”
• “Kung Fu Panda”
• *”WALL-E”

Achievement in art direction

• “Changeling”
• *”The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
• “The Dark Knight”
• “The Duchess”
• “Revolutionary Road”

Achievement in cinematography

• “Changeling”
• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
• “The Dark Knight”
• “The Reader”
• *”Slumdog Millionaire”

Achievement in costume design

• “Australia”
• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
• *”The Duchess”
• “Milk”
• “Revolutionary Road”

Achievement in directing

• David Fincher for “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
• Ron Howard for “Frost/Nixon”
• Gus Van Sant for “Milk”
• Stephen Daldry for “The Reader”
• *Danny Boyle for “Slumdog Millionaire”

Achievement in film editing

• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
• “The Dark Knight”
• “Frost/Nixon”
• “Milk”
• *”Slumdog Millionaire”

Achievement in makeup

• *”The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
• “The Dark Knight”
• “Hellboy II: The Golden Army”

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)

• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
• “Defiance”
• “Milk”
• *”Slumdog Millionaire”
• “WALL-E”

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)

• “Down to Earth” from “WALL-E”
• *”Jai Ho” from “Slumdog Millionaire”
• “O Saya” from “Slumdog Millionaire”
• I refuse to choose from these songs because Bruce Springsteen’s The Wrestler should have been here.  I feel very strongly about this.

Best motion picture of the year

• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
• “Frost/Nixon”
• “Milk”
• “The Reader”
• *”Slumdog Millionaire”

Achievement in sound editing

• *”The Dark Knight”
• “Iron Man”
• “Slumdog Millionaire”
• “WALL-E”
• “Wanted”

Achievement in sound mixing

• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
• “The Dark Knight”
• *”Slumdog Millionaire”
• “WALL-E”
• “Wanted”

Achievement in visual effects

• *”The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
• “The Dark Knight”
• “Iron Man”

Adapted screenplay

• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
• “Doubt”
• “Frost/Nixon”
• “The Reader”
• *”Slumdog Millionaire”

Original Screenplay

• “Frozen River”
• “Happy-Go-Lucky”
• “In Bruges”
• *”Milk”
• “WALL-E”

You might notice (you won’t) that I skipped a few categories — this is because I have no business commenting on who might win Best Animated Short, etc.  So there you have it.  Check back on Monday to see how I did.

UPDATE: I went 13/19, which is not too shabby, in my opinion.  I knew that Slumdog was going to clean up.  I guess that’s OK…I mean, at least it’s not about the Holocaust or Hobbits.

Breathless: Sexily French!

Away From Her: Sadly boring!

Taken: Disappointingly corny!

Simon Beaufoy – Slumdog Millionaire (Best Adapted Screenplay)

Charmingly bumbling short British guy in a tan suit.

I’m always going to give the dumb answer!

Dustin Lance Black - Milk (Best Original Screenplay)

Shockingly youthful, awkwardly comfortable with amazing hair and proportioned like a giraffe.

In response to what he would change about another panelist’s movie:

If I had Brad Pitt in my movie, I definitely would have had a gay sex scene

Courtney Hunt – Frozen River (Best Original Screenplay)

Dedicated, passionate, no-nonsense in a dark blue pantsuit and peep toe pumps.

In response to how she maintained creative control of her film (she also directed):

I had no money.  I was always wondering if I would be able to shoot another day.

Eric Roth – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Best Adapted Screenplay)

Completely uninterested, slouching and mumbling, with nothing to prove.

In response to an audience question about the logic of Benjamin Button growing up and then down again:

I have no idea what you just asked me.

John Patrick Shanley – Doubt (Best Adapted Screenplay)

Gangly and personable, eager to make jokes.

Addressed to the moderator (twice):

Fuck you!

(Don’t get the wrong impression, he was quite funny).

Andrew Stanton – WALL-E (Best Original Screenplay)

As douchy as he looks in frameless glasses and an expensive haircut.  Very Hank Scorpio.

I don’t remember any of his quotes because they were usually pretty longwinded.

As a pathetic wannabe writer – in whatever capacity – the most important thing I took away from this panel, that I hear again and again but still struggle with, is just to write.  Just write a first draft.  It is probably going to suck, but it is much better and much less scary than a blank page.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button = The Curious Case of Benjamin’s Butthole

Frost/Nixon = Cocks/Lickem

Milk = Milked

The Reader = The Reamer

Slumdog Millionaire = Slumdoggystyle Millionaires (this sounds more like a hip hop album).

I wanted to contribute a really awesome photoshopped poster for at least one of these but alas, I don’t have Photoshop and MS Paint was not cutting it.

Apart from that, here are my other predictions, keeping in mind that I haven’t actually seen all the nominees….actually, I don’t think that is an important part of predicting winners at all.

Best Motion Picture – Drama: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture  – Drama: Kate Winslet, Revolutionary Road

Winner: Kate Winslet!

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama: Sean Penn, Milk

Winner: Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy: Happy-Go-Lucky

Winner: Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy: Sally Hawkins, Happy-Go-Lucky

Winner: Sally Hawkins!

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy: Dustin Hoffman, Last Chance Harvey

Winner: Colin Farrell, In Bruges (WTF?  Really?  A funny little picture, but still quite surprising…)

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture: Kate Winslet, The Reader

Winner: Kate Winslet!

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture: Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight

Winner: Heath Ledger!

Best Animated Feature Film:   Wall-E

Winner: Wall-E

Best Foreign Language Film: I’ve Loved You So Long

Winner: Waltz with Bashir (Vals im Bashir)

Best Director: Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire

Winner: Danny Boyle!

Best Screenplay:  The Curious Case of Benjamin Button by Eric Roth

Winner: Slumdog Millionaire by Simon Beaufoy

Best Original Score: Slumdog Millionaire, Compose by A.R. Rahman

Winner: Slumdog Millionaire by A.R. Rahman!

Best Original Song: The Wrestler from The Wrestler, Bruce Springsteen

Winner: The Wrestler! (I cannot emphasize enough how much I love this song).

If I’m right about any of these, I’m going to be pretty pleased with myself.

Winner: FilmFemme, who was 8/14 in predicting the awards.  Maybe not so impressive, but over 50% which is pretty good in terms of my history of predicting things.

(1) Elation? Michael Cera in a movie directed by Edgar Wright in which “a young slacker [...]meets the woman of his dreams but finds that he can only win her heart by battling and defeating her seven evil ex-boyfriends. ” Oh yes, tell me more, Hollywood Reporter!

(2) Confusion? Anton Yelchin in the new Terminator movie opposite Christian Bale? Why put so much sexy oppposite so much mediocre? Why why why?

(3) Trepidation? Michael Cera is also slated to be in Youth in Revolt, directed by Chuck & Buck/The Good Girl’s Miguel Arteta, but written by the awfully untalented Gustin Nash who wrote the truly horrible Charlie Bartlett starring the way overhyped Anton Yelchin! Will it be good? Can Mikey save it? Why isn’t it written by Mike White so I can be truly excited about it??

This is why I don’t read the trades anymore…I’m just not cut out for these kinds of emotional rollercoasters.