09.23.07
Random Sunday Afternoon Movie: the first 10 minutes of Soldier
Released: 1998
Star: Kurt Russell
Setting: Future
Plot: N/A
09.09.07
Random Sunday Afternoon Movie: Killing Me Softly
Here’s how IMDb summarizes this movie:
A woman faces deadly consequences for abandoning her loving relationship with her boyfriend to pursue exciting sexual scenarios with a mysterious celebrity mountaineer.
OHHHHHH. So that’s what this movie was about? In all honesty, I didn’t pay too much attention to this movie while it was on, but man was it confusing and bad. Here is how I would summarize this movie:
Heather Graham wears ugly clothes, has ugly husband, bad sex. On the street in London (where she lives for some reason) she meets Joseph Fiennes. They have some crazy wild sex. She leaves her husband (maybe they weren’t even married) and has some hot London alley sex with Joseph Fiennes(a la Jack the Ripper). She starts wearing clothes that are ugly in a completely different way. Then a lot of creepy music plays. Like, basically in every single scene. Something nefarious is happening and his sexy sister (that woman that’s on Californication now) is clearly to blame. Oh whoops, you’re not supposed to know that until the end. But it’s pretty obvious. I guess like she is in love with her brother (because he’s Joseph Fiennes) and like killed his ex-wife or something. Then I think maybe she kills him at the end. Oh, no, he kills her? I don’t remember.
Seriously, this movie was like as bad if not worse than most Lifetime movies I have seen. There’s this one part where Joseph Fiennes wants to explain what it’s like at the top of a tall mountain (he’s like a celebrity mountain climber. Can you name another mountain climber? Sir Edmund Hillary?) anyway, so he grabs a fish out of his fish tank and holds it in his hand and says something like “This is what it is like. No air.” Um. Couldn’t he have just said that without torturing the fish?
This movie sucked so much ass. And not in an interesting way. There are a lot of crazy bondage sex scenes. They are kind of hot if you can forget (1) what a bad movie this is and (2) how both of the people involved have kind of busted faces.
08.12.07
Random Sunday Afternoon Movie: Inspector Gadget 2 in fast forward
Did I even know that they made an Inspector Gadget 2? I really wish I were still ignorant of the fact. I used to watch a lot of the Inspector Gadget cartoon when I was kid. I always liked how he was a moron and his cute & precocious niece would solve all the crimes with their dog, Brain. From what I could tell in fast forward (I watched the credits sequence at regular speed - dude, I know it was a sequel - was this straight to DVD? - but they couldn’t even get the money for a CGI credits sequence? It was really shitty regular animation and not cool looking at all). Anyway, I didn’t see the first Inspector Gadget movie with Matthew Broderick, but I’m sure he was better than the squinty guy from 3rd Rock that they got for the sequel. From what I could tell in fast forward, Claw gets loose somehow (Matthew Broderick caught him in the first one, I surmised in the first 30 seconds) and taunts Gadget. Gadget’s gadgets keep fucking up and he makes some blunders and gets taken off the case but Penny (some ugly girl with bushy eyebrows) and Brain find new evidence, restore his confidence (come to think of it, why is Penny always letting Gadget take credit for her ingenuity? Perhaps Inspector Gadget is anti-feminist at its core…) and save the day. Also there is some ‘hot’ chick in a future suit (that is pretty boob-tastic for a kids movie). IMDb says that she’s called ‘G2′ so maybe she is like, a new version of Inspector Gadget. My guess it that she either turns out to be evil, or bones Gadget. And by bones, I mean she pegs him with her dildo gadget while he screams things like “Go Go harder!” My main complaint (I watched it in under 5 minutes, I can’t complain too much) is that none of the gadgets look cool - they look cheap and cheesy. Why can’t they be like chrome and rivets instead of so cartoony? Anyway, not a terrible way to spend 3 minutes of a hot Sunday afternoon. Wait, actually, there are a lot more fun things you can do with 3 minutes. Like dig out your eyeballs until they are dangling from the sockets and then dip them in a solution of sulfuric acid and bleach before putting them back in your head so you can forget that you ever watched Inspector Gadget 2.
08.04.07
Random Sunday Afternoon Movie: Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
Ok, I have a confession: this movie was on Saturday night, not Sunday afternoon.
This was the perfect time to show Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (I love that title!) because, oh my god, it is so deliciously ironic. From what I saw, Lindsey Lohan and her sort of fugly friend (Alison Pill) are trying to go to this concert and meet this guy named Stu Wolf (Adam Garcia) who is the lead singer for a band called Sidarthur (sounds like Siddartha…weird reference). After a “series of mishaps” they meet him passed out in an alley and become his friend after they are all arrested and then sprung by Lola’s (LiLo) dad who was supposed to be dead. Then Lola tries to talk to him about his songwriting that has inspired her and she get so disillusioned because he can’t answer any of her questions because he’s too drunk. Then she goes home to New Jersey and no one (mainly this one ‘Mean Girl’s-style bitch played by that slut from Transformers who felt up Brian Austin Green in public - a fact which I hope will haunt her forever because it was totally dumb) will believe that she was at the party. Then she stars in the school play (hence the title) and Stu shows up at the bitch’s house party (sober) with Lola’s necklace and she is vindicated. And the bitch falls in a fountain.
Aw. So, LiLo went into a rockstar’s bedroom and he didn’t even see her naked. (why didn’t he ask for that?) And she convinced him to go to rehab (hahahaha!!!). Not a bad girly movie, overall. Now I’m going to go mourn LiLo’s career at a bar somewhere. This next redbull/vodka is for you, LiLo.
07.29.07
Random Sunday Afternoon Movie: the last 20 minutes of Jungle2Jungle
OMG whatever you do don’t watch this, even the last 20 minutes. Here’s what I figured out this movie was about: high powered executive goes searching for his ex-wife in the jungle and finds out they have a kid and brings him back to New York where he is a fish out of water who falls in love with LeeLee Sobieski and kills flies with blowdarts and lets his pet tarantula escape occasionally (how did that get past customs?) with hilarious results. Apparently this crappy movie was based on some French screenplay called Un indien dans la ville. Yes, those people that love Jerry Lewis. I think I should bleach my keyboard after typing that summary. I can’t believe this kid got another role after this movie. Apparently he was in the new Superman. WTF?? Also, Tim Allen, I really hope you saved your Santa Clause money because I really really don’t ever want to see your face again. Thanks.