Just Between Friends is a cheesy melodrama from 1986.  Holly (Mary Tyler Moore, who is disgustingly, distractingly THIN here.  Please eat a sandwich, Mary.  PLEASE!) is married to Chip (Ted Danson, ALSO thin) and meets Sandy (Christine Lahti, REALLY THIN, too!) at an Awesomely 80s Aerobics class.  Despite the fact that Holly is a straight laced housewife and Sandy is a chain smoking field reporter, the two women become fast friends (see title) and Holly invites Sandy to dinner at her house (people always do this in movies…become fast friends and have impromptu dinner parties).  So Sandy comes over, the ladies chat and then Chip gets home from the office (he’s a seismologist for some reason).  ZOMG, SANDY HAS BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH CHIP!  Needless to say, this makes for a pretty fucking awkward dinner party with a lot of hemming and hawing that was patently ridiculous.  I mean, seriously, couldn’t the affair participants at least pretend to make chit chat?  These people are bad at having an affair.

So then Chip goes off to a conference in Washington…it’s some like nuclear affairs protest or something…are seismologists involved in that kind of thing?  Seemed weird to me.  But anyway, after the conference, ZOMG CHIP DIES IN A CAR CRASH!

More hemming and hawing.  Sandy and Holly grow closer.  Holly buys the gym where she took aerobics classes (WTF is up with the weird suspender leotards that chicks wore in the 80s?  Seems horribly uncomfortable.  But the aerobics montages are actually really awesome.)  Then, of course, Holly is cleaning out Chip’s office at the seismology place in Pasadena and ZOMG SHE FINDS PICTURES OF SANDY AND CHIP TOGETHER!

They stop being friends and there is a lot of bitchy and passive aggressive behavior.  Loooove to see that.  There are attempts from both sides at trying to be friends again, then ZOMG IT TURNS OUT SANDY IS PREGNANT WITH CHIP’S BABY!

ZOMG SHE DECIDES TO HAVE THE BABY!

ZOMG HOLLY STARTS DATING CHIP’S COLLEAGUE HARRY (Sam Waterston, who is actually really cute in this movie and the only one who is not painfully thin)!

ZOMG SANDY HAS THE BABY AND EVERYONE IS FRIENDS AGAIN!

I love Mary Tyler Moore, but when she’s just being a normal actress and not an adorable ball of comedic neuroses, I don’t really have any interest in watching it.  The sad part is, this movie isn’t quite bad enough to be hilariously bad.  It’s just kind of annoying and…pointless.  Predictable, boring, poorly directed, but a shining example of what was wrong with 80s fashions, in case you needed another one of those.

You can watch it here: Just Between Friends on Hulu

Released: 1998

Star: Kurt Russell

Setting: Future

Plot: N/A

A woman faces deadly consequences for abandoning her loving relationship with her boyfriend to pursue exciting sexual scenarios with a mysterious celebrity mountaineer.

OHHHHHH. So that’s what this movie was about? In all honesty, I didn’t pay too much attention to this movie while it was on, but man was it confusing and bad. Here is how I would summarize this movie:

Heather Graham wears ugly clothes, has ugly husband, bad sex. On the street in London (where she lives for some reason) she meets Joseph Fiennes. They have some crazy wild sex. She leaves her husband (maybe they weren’t even married) and has some hot London alley sex with Joseph Fiennes(a la Jack the Ripper). She starts wearing clothes that are ugly in a completely different way. Then a lot of creepy music plays. Like, basically in every single scene. Something nefarious is happening and his sexy sister (that woman that’s on Californication now) is clearly to blame. Oh whoops, you’re not supposed to know that until the end. But it’s pretty obvious. I guess like she is in love with her brother (because he’s Joseph Fiennes) and like killed his ex-wife or something. Then I think maybe she kills him at the end. Oh, no, he kills her? I don’t remember.

Seriously, this movie was like as bad if not worse than most Lifetime movies I have seen. There’s this one part where Joseph Fiennes wants to explain what it’s like at the top of a tall mountain (he’s like a celebrity mountain climber. Can you name another mountain climber? Sir Edmund Hillary?) anyway, so he grabs a fish out of his fish tank and holds it in his hand and says something like “This is what it is like. No air.” Um. Couldn’t he have just said that without torturing the fish?

This movie sucked so much ass. And not in an interesting way. There are a lot of crazy bondage sex scenes. They are kind of hot if you can forget (1) what a bad movie this is and (2) how both of the people involved have kind of busted faces.

Ok, I have a confession: this movie was on Saturday night, not Sunday afternoon.

This was the perfect time to show Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (I love that title!) because, oh my god, it is so deliciously ironic. From what I saw, Lindsey Lohan and her sort of fugly friend (Alison Pill) are trying to go to this concert and meet this guy named Stu Wolf (Adam Garcia) who is the lead singer for a band called Sidarthur (sounds like Siddartha…weird reference). After a “series of mishaps” they meet him passed out in an alley and become his friend after they are all arrested and then sprung by Lola’s (LiLo) dad who was supposed to be dead. Then Lola tries to talk to him about his songwriting that has inspired her and she get so disillusioned because he can’t answer any of her questions because he’s too drunk. Then she goes home to New Jersey and no one (mainly this one ‘Mean Girl’s-style bitch played by that slut from Transformers who felt up Brian Austin Green in public – a fact which I hope will haunt her forever because it was totally dumb) will believe that she was at the party. Then she stars in the school play (hence the title) and Stu shows up at the bitch’s house party (sober) with Lola’s necklace and she is vindicated. And the bitch falls in a fountain.

Aw. So, LiLo went into a rockstar’s bedroom and he didn’t even see her naked. (why didn’t he ask for that?) And she convinced him to go to rehab (hahahaha!!!). Not a bad girly movie, overall. Now I’m going to go mourn LiLo’s career at a bar somewhere. This next redbull/vodka is for you, LiLo.

OMG whatever you do don’t watch this, even the last 20 minutes. Here’s what I figured out this movie was about: high powered executive goes searching for his ex-wife in the jungle and finds out they have a kid and brings him back to New York where he is a fish out of water who falls in love with LeeLee Sobieski and kills flies with blowdarts and lets his pet tarantula escape occasionally (how did that get past customs?) with hilarious results. Apparently this crappy movie was based on some French screenplay called Un indien dans la ville. Yes, those people that love Jerry Lewis. I think I should bleach my keyboard after typing that summary. I can’t believe this kid got another role after this movie. Apparently he was in the new Superman. WTF?? Also, Tim Allen, I really hope you saved your Santa Clause money because I really really don’t ever want to see your face again. Thanks.