11.27.08
Thanksgiving Guest Reviews: My 12 Year Old Cousin
“Man, that kid is SMART!”
“I thought the dude was gonna die, but then he didn’t.”
[insert sound of him leaving the room]
09.29.08
The Duchess
Sometimes I think that I might just be a lesbian that likes sex with men. Those times include whenever I see Keira Knightley. I used to think that I hated her, for whatever reason, out of sheer jealousy that she’s so thin and successful maybe. But every time I see her face, I just can’t look away. I think she’s so spectacularly beautiful.
So I can’t help but think that these warm feelings for Ms. Knightley colored my opinion of her most recent foray into corset-wearing drama (where you even find a corset in a size 0 is beyond me), The Duchess. In a “tale as old as time” fashion, Keira, as Georgiana Spencer, finds herself betrothed to the Duke of Devonshire (Ralph Fiennes — wtf, how do you pronounce his name anyway? Rafe? Ralph? who knows). They marry and it’s all very glamorous until she finds out that all he wants from her is a male heir and for her to stay out of the damn way while he does what, and who, he pleases. This includes him expecting her to warmly welcome and raise a young girl that comes to live with them who he had fathered 6 years before, with another woman. Georgiana and her headstrong nature do not take too kindly to this setup, but she tries to do her duty as duchess. Unfortunately she gives birth to a couple of girls first.
Anyway, I’m getting kind of bored writing this synopsis. It’s all very dramatic and there are affairs and kids and temper tantrums and almost some lesbian sex between Knightly and Hayley Atwell (remember her lusciousness?) Everything is very heavy and detailed and brocade and regal and larger than life and I really enjoyed it. And I’m in love with Keira Knightley…did I mention that?
05.17.08
Kiss Me, Stupid
A funny and wacky Billy Wilder sex comedy, Kiss Me, Stupid was a surprisingly filthy choice for me to watch on my last sick (hangover) day.
Dean Martin throws himself into his drunk and shockingly horny persona as lounge singer Dino who ends up stranded in Climax, Nevada on his way home from Vegas. But his misfortune is an opportunity of a lifetime for piano teacher and amateur songwriter Orville (Ray Walston — you will recognize him, but I still can’t figure out from what). With some scheming, Orville friend and lyricist Barney (Cliff Osmond) gets Dino to agree to shack up with Orville for the night. But the plan hits a snag because Orville, an already obsessively jealous husband, doesn’t want Dino and his brand of charm anywhere near his lovely and demure (and utterly devoted) wife, Zelda (Felicia Farr).
So what would you do in this situation? Be forthright? Or trusting? No, no, no. You’re in a Billy Wilder farce, remember? So what you do is go down to the local bar/brothel and pick up the sluttiest (but ultimately sweetest) girl there, Polly the Pistol (Kim Novak). Bring Polly back to your house while Dino is sleeping. Start a huge fight with your wife (on your anniversary!) to the point where she actually LEAVES YOU for at least the night and maybe forever, tell Dino that Polly is your wife and try to get him to seduce her anyway while you play him your songs in the hopes that he’ll buy one.
Believe it or not, the plan does not go off without a hitch. But along the way there are plenty of really dirty jokes, some really fun and catchy tunes and a heart. Kiss Me, Stupid definitely has a real heart with lessons about sex, loyalty, ambition, forgiveness and the triumph of love. No, really.
03.11.08
Sliding Doors
Sliding Doors is a movie for girls. I am a girl. I love this movie.
It’s one of those WHAT IF movies that starts with WHAT IF Gwyneth Paltrow does a British accent?
WHAT IF she is adorable and misses her train so she doesn’t find out that her boyfriend with the bad haircut is cheating on her with the uber-hot Jeanne Trippelhorn?
WHAT IF she is adorable and doesn’t miss the train, does find out about the philandering, and also does meet the not-so-cute-but-so-charming-and-funny-
even-if-he-is-kind-of-short James?
(Spoiler alert: everything turns out great either way).
And then, WHAT IF you think about this movie and its implications too hard?
02.16.08
The Band’s Visit
Ah, subtitles. When you’re willing to read while you’re watching a movie, it must be great. Or else you were duped.
The trailer for The Band’s Visit is charming and funny. An Egyptian police band wandering a deserted street in Israel, trying to get to their gig but ending up in the wrong town! The poster is reminiscent of Wes Anderson, or something else quirky and warm with the blue uniforms standing stark against a harsh and dry background.
Yes, the marketing for this movie is pretty great, as far as these things go. Kudos, Sony Pictures Classics.
The movie itself was disappointing. Like its musicians, it meandered around slowly, directionless, relying on personality conflict instead of real humor. The band leader’s pride is funny for a little while, and his interactions with the sultry and brazen Dina are compelling. But writer/director Eran Kolirin piles quirk on quirk, like he watched Slums of Beverly Hills and then Buffalo ‘66 and then Independent Movie #846 and said to himself “Huh. I can do this. Quirk? Check! Awkward dinner table scene? Check! Ostensibly independent female character who doesn’t conform to the social mores of an economically depressed town and seeks escape through a stranger that hasn’t judged her yet? Check!”
The band finds themselves in a town where they aren’t supposed to be, but it turns out they need the town as much as it needs them.
Also, the vast majority of the film is in English, because that is the only language that both the Egyptians and the Israelis speak. However, the ENTIRE film is subtitled. In English. I found this to be very very annoying, because I find it extremely difficult to look away from English subtitles. And also because it makes no fucking sense.
02.07.08
Fool’s Gold
So fool’s gold the thing is like a glittery rock that tricks idiots into thinking it’s actual gold. Fool’s Gold the movie has sexy fun posters, the presence of two hot and OK actors (Kate Hudson and Matthew McCona…MacConna…Mc…who gives a shit, just take off your shirt) who were pretty cute together in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and at least one good actor (Donald Sutherland) and tricks idiots (e.g., me) into thinking it might be a cute and fun movie.
Uh.
Not so much.
Holy shit, does Fool’s Gold blow. It is, honestly, one of the most poorly written movies I have ever ever seen. The opening sequence did live up to the fun beach romp with hot bod McC. But that was because no one talked during the first 3 minutes - there was just a fun Carribean soundtrack, some mishaps, and Theo from The Cosby Show drinking a beer. Cool, right?
It was downhill and in need of a runaway truck ramp from there. The story was retarded: Some lame/unrealistic divorce scene - but oh my god they totally don’t really want to get divorced because they are totally still in love they just both have lessons to learn - and then some totally lame treasure hunting story and then everyone is on Donald Sutherland’s huge boat and Kate and Matt convince him and his Paris Hiltonesque (but brunette) daughter (it’s worth mentioning that this chick is really good at being really annoying) to go looking for some retarded treasure only once they get there, Matt McC’s mentor is already there looking for the treasure on the tip of a scary rap star (BigBunny?) that got the tip from Matt before he sunk his boat and tried to drown him. Do they find the treasure? Do they get back together? Does everyone learn important lessons about themselves and what really matters in life? For their sake, I hope so, but I wouldn’t know because I couldn’t sit through another second of that POS so you’ll have to find out on your own. Or just like, go drink a cocktail of seawater and bad shellfish because that would probably actually be more fun.
01.27.08
Double Feature: Atonement and There Will Be Blood
Yes, we get it, your movie, your score, James McAvoy in a a suit and Keira Knightley in green satin are all very pretty. Everyone is in love and/or dead and/or wracked with guilt and it’s all very tragic.
Yes, we get it, Daniel Day-Lewis has three names and is a great actor - truly intimidating and calculating and cold and awesome. Everyone is ambitious and/or crazy and/or doomed and it’s all very dramatic.
Paul Dano is a revelation, though. I’m sad that his Academy nod didn’t come through , because I think it was deserved. I feel like there is some discrimination against young men in the Oscars - because there’s always some young starlet or girl (Abigail Breslin? Come on! This year it’s Atonement’s own Saorise Ronan [um, get a name that’s easier to spell and then we’ll talk]) that’s nominated, but never a young guy. Too bad, Paul. I think you’re great.
12.26.07
Post-Christmas Schmaltzfest: Love Story & P.S., I Love You
What can you say about a movie that totally sucks? Where the characters are in love, but you kind of hate both of them?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry? That doesn’t even make sense!
Pass the Kleenex. Yes, I cried because Hilary Swank’s husband is dead and she has to find love again, but also, why is it so much easier for her to find love a billion times than it is for me to find it once? Honestly. That is so not fair. Let’s bring enough for everyone.
P.S., Who knew Jeffrey Dean Morgan was so hott?
12.21.07
How to Leave Your Lover
Wondering how to leave your lover?
Make them watch How to Leave Your Lover, then they’ll leave you!
Get it? Cause this movie sucks.
Owen (Paul Schneider) is a single writer in Los Angeles (omg, I’m sure the writer/director wasn’t drawing from his own experiences) who finally decides to “break up with his life” and leave L.A. But in line at the airport, he runs into Val (Jennifer “Jessica Stein” Westfeldt) and they have a drink and he decides that she might be the one. So naturally, he stays in L.A. and he dates her but does that thing that movie characters do when they decide to change their lives and is honest with her (sort of, when it’s convenient to the plot) and meets her parents on the first date and various other ‘quirky’ things. I turned it off about halfway through because I was getting really annoyed.
The 2 possible endings (is it a spoiler if I just guess correctly?) are:
- Things with Val turn out great, happily ever after
- Things with Val don’t work out, but it’s OK because Owen finally hooks up with his best friend Allison (Poppy Montgomery), happily ever after
Also, Tori Spelling plays a lesbian and it is like the grossest thing ever.
12.19.07
The Rachel Papers
I really miss the days when it was totally acceptable for someone who looked like Dexter Fletcher (nice name!) to be the romantic lead opposite Ione Skye at the peak of her hotness. Actually, no, I don’t. But such was the world in 1989 and it was this world that brought us The Rachel Papers and what amounts to a lot of misogyny, not nearly enough Jonathan Pryce, a few jokes and Ione Skye’s tits (nice rack!).
In 80s teen movie fashion, British guy Charles (Fletcher) lives in London, has a computer and wants to get laid. He meets Rachel (Skye) and decides he MUST have her. So he employs all sorts of tricks, including keeping info on her in a database (creep!), and finally wins her over. Then they have tons and tons of sex. Then they decide that she should come to stay at the house that he shares with his sister and her crazy husband (Pryce!). But, despite the really unnecessary amounts of fucking, he gets sick of her. Read that again. HE gets sick of HER. After all the time he spent (dirty) spreadsheeting her and wooing her away from James Spader (Oh, did I not mention that? I thought ‘1989′ implied that James Spader was involved in some nefarious way), he gets sick of her because she’s always horny and expects him not to fuck other girls. GO FIGURE. So he cheats on her. And she finds out because she comes over to fuck his brains out and is like “Oh, get a condom” and he says he’s out and she says “No, you’re not, I just saw them this morning” and THEN HE TRIES TO FUCK HER WITH A USED CONDOM. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.
She dumps him. She moves to New York. They go to a museum a while later (as friends) where she wears a hideous pantsuit and, I guess he learned his lesson?
I know I learned mine: Don’t ever be hornier than the guy you’re fucking. Because he’ll cheat on you.
Wait, what?