Me every time I see a billboard or bus poster for Wanted:

“Is this a poster for a movie? It looks like it wants to be a movie … but clearly isn’t. Maybe it’s an urban-crime miniseries on the CW, or the very-special Smallville two-part season finale, or … a breakfast cereal?

I liked The Strangers. I hated The Incredible Hulk. So I still don’t know how I feel about Liv Tyler on the ground.

I didn’t see Ang Lee’s last attempt at bringing this big green guy to the big silver screen, but I like Edward Norton, the aforementioned Ms. Tyler, William Hurt and Tim Roth, so I thought, “How could I go wrong with The Incredible Hulk? It must be at least half as entertaining as Iron Man.” Wrong again, FilmFemme, wrong again.

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It wasn’t flawless and it didn’t reinvent the genre, but The Strangers was solidly scary with above average art direction and surprisingly beautiful cinematography.  As the debut feature for writer/director Bryan Bertino (who, by the way, is decidedly sexy himself) it’s really impressive. 

One of the awesome things that Bertino does is nearly make you forget you’re about to see a horror movie for the first 20-25 minutes.  Instead, Kristen (Liv Tyler) and James (Scott Speedman) are returning to the family summer home after a wedding at which they had somewhat of a falling out.  But in the throes of their conflict, they are interrupted by a loud knock.  The movie then proceeds to be wholly creepy, with 3 masked strangers (ooh!  like the title!) appearing at the house to stalk, scare and torture the couple for the next hour. This hour includes at least 3 really good, well-placed shock moments that made me literally jump out of my seat and either gasp or yell.  And I definitely wasn’t the only one in the theatre that was freaked out.

Of course, the movie did suffer from some stereotypical horror movie pitfalls (e.g., me wanting to scream “TURN AROUND!!” or “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING INTO THE GARAGE??!??”), a few of which were pretty distracting and unrealistic, even in light of the crisis Kristen and James were facing.  But between the OMG moments and the dark, neutral, contrastingly pretty cinematography (and pretty Liv Tyler and her disgustingly pretty hair), I had a really good time at The Strangers and hope that Bryan “sexy” Bertino gets to direct something else.

A footnote: supposedly the movie was based on “true events,” and all internet sources (OK, just Wikipedia) point to the Keddie Cabin murders, but this could have just been added by someone who wanted publicity for their Keddie Cabin documentary.  I dunno, but that’s a scary story too, so check out the site if you’re morbid like me.

From his role as Jack in one of my very favorite Woody Allen movies, Husbands & Wives, to his producing and acting credits on last years truly great Michael Clayton, Pollock brought a certain unassuming sophistication to his work. I have mentioned him on this site before, as someone with an eye for energy and visual stimulation.

With a quiet personal life (he was married to Claire Griswold from 1958 until his death — 50 fucking years) and a screen persona that was more paternal (as evidenced by his role as nurturing, tough-love father figure in Michael Clayton, as well as his turn as Will’s actual father on the sitcom Will & Grace) than commanding, Pollock may not have been the first actor to come to mind when reciting the A-list. But with a filmography that includes 2 Oscars (Best Director and Best Picture for Out of Africa) and a slew of contemporary classics from The Way We Were to Tootsie, Pollock contributed meaning and life to American film and his brand of class and humanity will be missed.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull opens with a CGI prairie dog. I’m not 100% sure that the rodent is CGI, but it might as well be. I guess it’s a little bit cute, but it’s mostly like:  Are you kidding me?

And believe it or not, it’s all downhill from there.

Plenty of ado has been made of Harrison Ford’s advanced age (65), but I think it might be Steven Spielberg that needs to be checked for senility. Because I can’t understand how or why this movie was made and how or why it was so bad. Ford is actually a bright spot, in all his creakiness (he looks great for 65, by the way) — but nearly ever other element is weak. Shia LaBeouf? More like Shia LaDork. How is this mop top doofus supposed to be Indy’s offspring? Karen Allen is passable returning as Marion, but the tête-à-tête that she and Indy engage in is tired and forced.

Even Cate Blanchett’s perfectly tuned icy communism can’t fill in plot holes and wild tangents that are fiercely irritating.

The crystal skull that they seek and carry with them for the duration of the movie looks like something you would buy at the Sharper Image if you were somehow forced to spend money at the Sharper Image.

The only parts that worked for me were the really repellent bug scenes that made me squirm and the occasional quip from Indy that made me smile.  Otherwise, this movie is an exercise in truly horrible filmmaking and was nothing but boring and lame.

It’s going to make a great ride, though.

Dean Martin throws himself into his drunk and shockingly horny persona as lounge singer Dino who ends up stranded in Climax, Nevada on his way home from Vegas. But his misfortune is an opportunity of a lifetime for piano teacher and amateur songwriter Orville (Ray Walston — you will recognize him, but I still can’t figure out from what). With some scheming, Orville friend and lyricist Barney (Cliff Osmond) gets Dino to agree to shack up with Orville for the night. But the plan hits a snag because Orville, an already obsessively jealous husband, doesn’t want Dino and his brand of charm anywhere near his lovely and demure (and utterly devoted) wife, Zelda (Felicia Farr).

So what would you do in this situation? Be forthright? Or trusting? No, no, no. You’re in a Billy Wilder farce, remember? So what you do is go down to the local bar/brothel and pick up the sluttiest (but ultimately sweetest) girl there, Polly the Pistol (Kim Novak). Bring Polly back to your house while Dino is sleeping. Start a huge fight with your wife (on your anniversary!) to the point where she actually LEAVES YOU for at least the night and maybe forever, tell Dino that Polly is your wife and try to get him to seduce her anyway while you play him your songs in the hopes that he’ll buy one.

Believe it or not, the plan does not go off without a hitch. But along the way there are plenty of really dirty jokes, some really fun and catchy tunes and a heart. Kiss Me, Stupid definitely has a real heart with lessons about sex, loyalty, ambition, forgiveness and the triumph of love. No, really.

It started with Sophie’s Choice, really, when he played Nathan Landau: a passionate, accented, intellectual, sweaty, animalistic, violent, volatile, charming motherfucker who had an unyielding grasp on Meryl Streep’s Sophie. 

Similar characters would follow in The Big Chill, A Fish Called Wanda and then — tonight’s choice — I Love You to Death.

In this movie, Kline plays Joey Boca, an Italian immigrant living in Seattle (for some reason) and running a pizza joint with his wife Rosalie (Tracey Ullman).  Rosalie is a devoted wife, and despite warnings from her mother (Joan Plowright) and the pizza parlor employee who pines for her, Devo (River Phoenix) that Joey is cheating on her.  In denial or just blissfully naive, Rosalie refuses to believe he is a philanderer until one day, she is at the library in a heinously awesome zebra sweatshirt and catches him feeling up another woman in the stacks.  Rosalie makes her decision then and there: Joey must die.

What follow is a series of MISHAPS that leave Joey at various points scared, wounded, bleeding and sleepy, but not dead. 

Kevin Kline is really hilarious as the philanderer.  I love that the first act includes a scene of him picking up Phoebe Cates at a bar with some cheesy lines that the real Phoebe Cates surely wouldn’t fall for.  It’s funny, I didn’t feel that much kind of electric chemistry between them — but maybe because there was already a certain comfort level.  I also didn’t believe the ass shot was really Phoebe Cates.  Though I hope it was because it was a really nice ass.

Anyway.

River Phoenix is also great as the sweet pizza boy who is in love with Rosalie.  There was a little part where it seemed like he was going to get together with Heather Graham, but that never panned out for some reason.  I guess because he got held up with Rosalie’s schemes (he had to hire William Hurt and Keanu Reeves to shoot Joey).  Funny and endearing without being really great.  Ultimately sweet and you want to watch it again even though you know you probably shouldn’t because you have better things to do with your time.  Kind of, just, a charming motherfucker.

…in a battle to see who makes me want to see this movie less.

That is an ad for the Sex and the City movie, as well as Skyy vodka. If you’re going to shoot for a new level of cross-marketing prostitution, at least choose a brand that’s not the well vodka at Hooters.

I’ll be in NYC tomorrow, paying bums to piss on these ads.

Speed Racer is a fun time.  Speed Racer is a little kid (Nicholas Elia, a child actor that really bears an uncanny resemblance to Emile Hirsch) who can’t concentrate on anything in school because all he can think about it RACING. 

His older brother, Rex (Scott Porter – the hot but paralyzed quarterback from Friday Night Lights) sometimes takes him the the crazy futuristic race track and lets him drive even though he’s only like 8 or something.  Then one day Rex dies and everyone is like, so sad.

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